The Holiday Dilemma for Expats: Going Home or Staying Away?
For many expats, the holiday season is not just about lights, gifts, and celebration. It often comes with a deep emotional dilemma:
Should I go home, even if it doesn’t feel right? Or should I stay here, even if that means being alone?
This question comes up in almost every December session with my clients across Europe, Scandinavia, and the Middle East. And the truth is: there is no easy version of this decision.
Below are some of the most common struggles I hear—and what they really mean psychologically.
1. “I don’t want to go home, but I feel guilty if I don’t.”
Many expats live far from family because of complicated pasts, old conflicts, or simply because their lives have moved in different directions.
But when December arrives, people feel a silent pressure:
“You should come home.”
“Family is everything.”
“Christmas is not the same without you.”
Even if home is not a peaceful place, many still travel because guilt feels stronger than personal preference. And often, after going, they return exhausted or emotionally drained—sometimes even regretting it.
The truth:
Going somewhere that doesn’t feel emotionally safe costs more than any plane ticket.
2. When home is not a safe or warm place
Some families are supportive and loving.
But many people grew up with:
unpredictability
criticism
unhealthy dynamics
emotional distance
unresolved conflicts
The holidays tend to reactivate old patterns. Even grown adults can feel themselves slipping back into roles they worked hard to outgrow.
This is why some expats dread going home, even though they love their country or traditions.
You’re not “cold” or “difficult” for protecting your peace.
You are simply listening to yourself.
3. The cost of going home — emotional and financial
Another layer many people don’t talk about:
plane tickets around the holidays are extremely expensive
travel means using vacation days
there’s pressure to bring gifts
staying with family can feel suffocating
staying in a hotel adds even more cost
For some, going home is financially overwhelming. For others, the emotional cost is the part that hurts.
Both are real, valid reasons to choose differently.
4. “If I stay here, I’ll feel lonely while everyone else celebrates.”
This is the other side of the dilemma.
Many expats who choose to stay abroad feel an intense sense of loneliness because:
the city becomes quiet
friends travel home
social media shows “perfect families” everywhere
the holiday marketing creates pressure to be joyful
In reality, a lot of people feel lonely during the holidays—but loneliness feels heavier when you’re in a foreign country.
It can create a strange internal conflict:
“I don’t want to go home, but staying here also hurts.”
And that is the core pain of the expat holiday experience.
5. So what can you do? Some gentle guidance.
1. Make the decision based on your emotional reality, not obligation.
Ask yourself:
“Where will I feel more peaceful?”
Not “Where will others be happier with my choice?”
2. Set boundaries before traveling.
If you choose to go home:
limit how long you stay
create exit plans (“I need a break”, “I’m going for a walk”)
avoid old topics that always lead to conflict
protect your energy like you would protect a child
3. If you stay abroad, plan connection intentionally.
You don’t need a traditional Christmas to feel grounded.
Some ideas my clients use:
a “friends-like-family” dinner
volunteering for a few hours
a long walk with calming music
watching familiar holiday movies
video calls with someone safe
creating your own small ritual
Small rituals bring warmth when the world feels cold.
4. Remind yourself: doing what’s right for you is not selfish.
You’re allowed to choose the option that preserves your mental health.
6. If the holidays feel heavy this year, you’re not alone.
For many expats, December is a reminder of the complexity of their lives:
you can miss home but not want to return
you can love your family but feel unsafe with them
you can enjoy living abroad but still feel isolated
you can have a good life and still struggle in December
None of this makes you weak or ungrateful.
It makes you human.
If you’re navigating this dilemma and want support, I’m here.
Talking through these decisions with a professional often brings clarity, grounding, and a sense of emotional safety.
